My Death Eating Love Life
by Sara Fade
Summary: Part one of my Love Life series. The War of the Wits, if you will. What started out as a silly crush between Sara Fade and Augustus Rookwood became... well, why don't you read it?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Any resemblance to actual characters would be really cool.**

* * *

"_You broke up with Isaac?_" 

I knew Bellatrix would do this…

"Bella, the guy treated me like a show-dog!" I said.

"But you dumped him within twenty minutes of the date?" she asked incredulously.

"Who wouldn't?" I said offhandedly. I'm half vampire, I'm immortal! I have the right to be picky!

"But -" Bella began.

"I know he was cute!" I groaned. "'Hey! Hey guys, I have a _date!_ See?'" I imitated Isaac. The whole evening was a disaster. Who brings a girl on a double, no, triple date when he doesn't even know her for three minutes?

"So, let me guess. You smacked him across the face and left?" she smirked.

"In front of all his little friends," I nodded smugly. "I'm better off when I'm single," I shrugged. Bellatrix rolled her eyes at my propagandist approach to just about everything. Augustus Rookwood walked into the room and made to sit in an armchair.

"Pig," Bella gave a fake cough. Rookwood looked serenely at her.

"Bellatrix, you are so shallow. You see a guy, you think he's a pig, but then you realise he actually has a really good body," he said and gestured to himself.

I couldn't help but giggle. Bellatrix wheeled around.

"I pity you," she said quietly to me. "Meaning I look down on you with an ambiguous frown."

I elbowed her hard in the stomach. Bella wheezed, shrugged, gave Augustus the finger and went away. I flitted through Woodsmanor all night, fantasising about a perfect date. I couldn't… The Death Eating Headquarters woke up late the next morning. And… I had to get a date. Death Eaters assembled around a long table in the Death Eater common room in the middle of Woodsmanor. I needed my energy for that afternoon, so I did what I always did: Got jumped up on sugar and/or coffee. No one took the beaker yet, so I walked over to a side of the room to get it. 'I Heart My Job' mugs were neatly lined up with each Death Eater's name of the bottom. I found mine and picked up the jug containing the coffee. Someone followed me there to get some napkins. The Rookwood himself was smirking to himself a few feet to my right.

"Sara, be a good girl and get me some, too," he said cheekily.

"Sure," I said slowly. I pretended to be oblivious to him staring at my hands. I didn't bother to hide the fact that I was pouring a Sleeping Draught in his coffee.

"You're pouring a potion in my drink," he stated.

"Tell me something I don't know," I said.

"I'm single," he said bluntly. I raised my eyebrows at him. He copied me with a smile.

"You have _got_ to be joking," I laughed and shoved the cup into his hands.

"Believe it," he said and poured himself a cupful of pure coffee with no added tranquilizers.

"No, I'm not surprised you're single, Rookwood," I said casually, pouring myself some coffee. This conversation was slightly different from the ones I usually had with him. He's always picked on me, from the moment we met. And not the way Snape did. Augustus just playfully teased me since the beginning of time. Practical jokes made up most of our relationship until now. Why was he telling me he was single? The only reason I had a _slight_ crush on him was purely because I knew nothing would ever happen. But how could I be so sure he wasn't _actually_ asking me out?

"Likewise," he said smoothly. I glared at my coffee. The second reason I liked him was because he was cheeky... I forget why.

I didn't retort, but just put some sugar in my coffee. Augustus smiled and leant back against the wall.

"What do you want?" I sighed. I couldn't stop smiling.

"One date, that's all. Nine, in front of Woodsmanor," he said. I looked up from my coffee.

"Why?" I blurted out instead of 'What the -?'.

"Needless to say," Augustus said and walked past me, but not before he brushed a strand of my hair off my shoulder. He walked to the breakfast table and sat down without a backwards glance at my reaction. I stared at his turned back with my mouth open. Some nerve! He didn't even wait for me to accept! I giggled involuntarily when I turned back to add a little milk to my coffee. I walked back to the table, not looking at him, pretending I was trying not to spill any of the brown liquid. I chanced a glance at Augustus and saw that he was talking to his friends at a far end of the table with his hands behind his head. Suddenly, he looked at me and winked. I looked away and giggled again. I saw Augustus grin out of the corner of my eye. I sat down next to Bella, still giggling in a very uncharacteristic way.

"What's going on?" she said.

"He asked me out," I tittered, not daring to take a sip of my coffee for fear that it will squirt out of my nose.

"No way!" she said. I made frantic gestures, telling her to tone it down.

"Sorry," she said quietly. "But I thought you hate him," she said pointedly.

"_You_ hate him. _I_ dislike him a reasonable amount," I said.

Bella raised an eyebrow at me.

"I'm telling you, that guy is one smooth talker," I said.

"Did you accept?" she said. For Bellatrix, when it concerned Augustus, not hating him was considered heresy.

"He didn't wait for me to say anything. I feel sorry for him, so I think I'll go," I lied.

"Oh my God!" she said loudly and placed her hand on her cheek.

"Bellatrix, mind the frequency!" I hissed. "Is he looking?" I demanded.

She looked discreetly at him from behind me.

"No," she said. I breathed a sigh of relief .

"But it _does_ look like he's listening…" she said a second later. I buried my face in my coffee. Luckily, Augustus didn't come over. I looked his way and saw that he was still talking to his friends, but just nodding along dazedly and smiling at wrong moments. He caught my eye. This was my chance. I waved at him. He copied me with a goofy grin that reached his ears. I made a grimace and giggled again when he looked away. Suddenly, I wished I'd taken the coffee with the Sleeping Draught. He's always had a way of making me feel like an idiot. Not many people were capable of making me feel that way. And yet, I was planning on going on a date with him. I suppose it's just a Gemini thing: Acting on impulse. A bit too much!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Any resemblance to actual characters would be really cool. **

* * *

I raked my brains for retorts wittier than the ones Augustus had no trouble making up. I giggled every time someone mentioned him or anything remotely related to our date tonight. I could barely breathe for laughing when someone said that it was going to be hot this August. By six, I could bear it no longer. I found Bella and staggered over to her and took hold of both her shoulders for extra emphasis. 

"I need help!" I said, still giggling uncontrollably.

"Er, yes, you do…" she said and fixed me with a 'you're-a-freak' look. She prised my hands away. "How can I help you?"

She drew her wand.

"Slow and painful?" she asked.

"Stupefy me or something," I said. I couldn't possibly wait another three hours. At least not awake.

At Bella's words, Snape drew out his wand behind me and ran at us. He tripped over his own feet in his haste to hex me and banged his head on a table. He was knocked unconscious.

"Meh. Let's leave him there," Bellatrix shrugged carelessly.

"Wait. You have any parchment?" I said.

"There's some over there," she pointed to the table. I picked up a quill and dipped it into the ink. 'HEX ME!', I wrote on the parchment. I bent down and placed it on Snape's back. I used the Permanent Sticking Charm to fuse the message on him. I stood up and watched him. I tilted my head a bit to the left and pondered. I made up my mind, muttered an incantation, and turned his hair pink.

"Too much?" I asked my best friend.

"Not enough," she shook her head. She drew she wand and pointed it at him.

"_Engorgio!_" she said and carefully aimed for his nose. It swelled to three times its size. It got too heavy for him to hold upright, so it fell, dragging Snape's whole head along with it.

"Good thinking!" I said through a fresh fit of giggles.

"Ha ha! You have no right to laugh at this," she said, suddenly serious. I raised my eyebrow instinctively. It became automatic centuries ago. Almost literally. It became automatic 171 years ago. I can only do it with my left, but not my right. I just use it as a way of saying 'Oh, yeah?', unlike some people who only use it when they can't think of anything to say.

"OK, let's get you ready for the big date," Bella said sarcastically and raised her wand again.

I raised my eyebrow. She raised her own. I noticed her other eyebrow twitched. I was just more skilled and experienced at raising one eyebrow without moving the other one at all.

"You know what you're going to wear?" she asked, testing me.

"Bella, I figured that out four hours ago!" I said.

She chuckled.

"Of course," she said affectionately, "because," she restrained a fit of laughter, "_I think you LOVE him!_" she laughed in a baby voice.

"Bellatrix, how did you and Rodolphus meet?" I said, putting my hands on my hips.

"Oh," she said and laughed. "Well, we -" she broke off. "Oh, I get your point…"

I smirked. Technicality and propaganda… _Deadly! _I spent the next few minutes teasing her, trying to warm myself up and kill some time. Bellatrix got irritated and left me there. I went after her so she found Rodolphus, grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and forced a kiss.

"Damn you, Bellatrix Black hyphen Lestrange!" I said at the sight of her eating his face.

I spent ages more trying on all my clothes in my room. I picked at every little detail and threw on the first outfit I picked in agitation, even though I still had about twenty minutes. All the wit I possessed melted along with my brain as I waited. I Apparated to the second floor of Woodsmanor. Yes, I had to Apparate. My room had a charm on it that let only those whom I trust inside. And it can only be entered by Apparition. I learned it from a very unfortunate experience long ago. Anyway… second floor. There was a single, very wide window stretching over almost the whole wall. It was on one side of the huge square made by the railings and it had a magnificent view of the entrance to Woodsmanor and also the forest surrounding it. That was where Augustus said he'd pick me up. I crept to the window and looked down, just to see if he was lying and was just trying to make a fool out of me. I was shocked to see him standing just outside Woodsmanor. Not only that! _He was checking his breath!_

"Loathsome pig…" I muttered to myself for no reason. Again, I started giggling uncontrollably. I checked the time. It was nine o'clock exactly. I ran down the stairs. I tried to catch my breath before I went outside. Augustus was still waiting for me.

"Hi," I said. I was so glad it was dark. But maybe my cheeks became fluorescent in the meantime…

"Hey, you're on time," Augustus said. "Ah…" he said a second later.

"What?" I said, still walking towards him.

"It's nine and one minute, and I am not amused," he said.

I made a grimace that _could_ be seen in the darkness.

"And I suppose that would mean I'm wasting an opportunity to have the time of my life, eh?" I said.

"Yes," Augustus answered simply.

"Alright," I said and waited for him to give me the time of my life. We went to the small Muggle village close to Woodsmanor called Middlewood. Middlewood was active in trade and offered me all kinds of… cuisine. Also, it was connected to a kind of wizarding equivalent. We went through the portal which was actually a dead end street. You could move the nonsensical graffiti into the password and simply step through the wall. This parallel universe was a favourite of the residents of Woodsmanor. It was not run by Death Eaters per se, but by people who supported the Dark Lord, but were not quite Death Eaters yet. There was a brasserie near the heart of the village which was a favourite of Death Eaters.

I should've known Augustus was the kind of guy who'd bring a date to a crowded place. He went to the bar to get some drinks. I stayed behind and watched him. His hair was a bit longish and fell into his eyes so occasionally he'd have to shake his head. Most women found this an amazingly sexy gesture but I just found it irritating. I wrenched my eyes away from him with unexpected difficulty. A dark-haired young woman was staring at him too. We saw each other glancing at him. I glared inhumanely at her and bared my teeth. She recoiled and left for the bathroom and was gone for an unusually long time. Augustus came back and lead me to the exit with the drinks. Somehow, I quickly learned to love the way he threw his head back. We went for a walk in the outskirts of the village.

"Now, I forget, why did you ask me out?" I said suddenly. Augustus laughed.

"I'm a Death Eater, I'm about to be killed. It seemed like a good idea. Why?"

He took a sip of his drink.

"You don't get dates often, do you?" I said.

"Unlike you?"

"As a matter of fact, this is how I'm going to die."

"I know," he breathed, taking another sip. I took a sip of my own drink. I caught his eye and couldn't resist scanning his thoughts.

"No, you don't look fat," I said. He glared at me, but it was an excuse to glance at _my_ thoughts.

"I do _not_ think up 'smartass comments' beforehand!" he said. "OK, 'witty retorts', that's better," he said a second later.

I smiled.

"And your hair looks fine," he said.

"And by the way, I already knew you had a crush on me since forever," I lied shrewdly.

"You want to get something to eat?" he said evasively. I smirked.

"I'm half vampire," I said.

Augustus stopped in his tracks. A twig cracked loudly underneath his foot.

"What did I ask?" he said an awkward second later (for him. I was amused.) I chuckled. He kept walking uncertainly. More twigs snapped as he walked, although the moment was over.

"Damn…" he muttered. I kept chuckling.

"Scared _out of your wits_, are you?" I said cheekily.

"Never," he hissed. He was just joking. Lying, more like it.

"So, um… you're… _undead?_" Augustus said.

"Uh huh," I said casually. "But, if anything, this could help you."

"What?"

"You know, now you have a fresh topic to tease me about."

"Ah… Interesting," he smiled. I grinned back, accidentally (I swear) showing my fangs. Augustus looked away. I laughed some more.

"Yeah," I sighed cheerfully.

"Mhm..."

"So glad you're taking this so well, by the way," I said waspishly a while later.

"Oh!" he said. "No, no, it's OK, honestly."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I said. I was just teasing him before. He realised what he just said and winced.

"Uh, nothing…"

However, 'the' raised eyebrow worked.

"Come on, at least wait until the date is over for that!" he said, flushing. I sighed happily again. This had been the most supremely _weird_ day!

Augustus thought it could stand to be a little weirder.

"Do you think Travers is really straight?" he said.

"_What?_" I said.

"Face it, the guy hasn't had a date since the 50's or something."

"I've never wanted you more," I said, heavily sarcastic.

"OK, OK."

"But," I said, "did you know that Avery -"

"Gets," (he coughed), "_aroused_ by killing? Yeah!"

"What a freak!"

We started to discuss roughly every Death Eater to walk the face of the Earth. I had lots of fun talking about Jugson's unhealthy addiction to heroin and ketchup. It wasn't until we returned the empty glasses to the bar that we realised we haven't been talking about each other much. He took me out by the forest. Frankly, I was amazed at how, er… mature Augustus could be, if it is possible to use that phrase. Sure, both of us were wearing goofy grins, and I don't know what exactly was going on in Augustus's head, but I really liked him. He was charming…

And finally, the moment we've all been waiting for, the (beginning of the) end. We were in the atrium in Woodsmanor, close to Augustus's room.

"I've had a wonderful time," I said, "and this wasn't it."

No sooner had the words left my mouth when…

_He kissed me!_ I admit I was hoping - fine, begging the gods of stupid crushes! - that this would happen, but it was unexpected just the same. He was looking at me kinda weird for a second, and then he swooped in and was now… sticking his tongue down my throat! I may have been kissing him, but inside, tidal waves of giggling fits were bubbling up. It may have been Augustus's idea of a joke to make me laugh. (I didn't laugh!)

This would be a _very_ interesting relationship if he was going to ask me out again!

"You free Saturday night?" he said. Now this was just too much!

"Yeah," I said and kept making out.

"You won't be at this rate," he smiled. "I have to go."

He pulled away.

"One last thing," I said and kissed him again.

"See ya," he said, smiled at me and went to his room. He shut the door and tilted his head back against the wood, grinning. He stood there for a second before he turned around with a weird look on his face.

"Are you still there?" he called through the door.

"No," I answered. He opened the door and kissed me yet again.

I pulled away some time later, even though every particle of me, my tongue in particular, was screaming at me to stay.

"I'll see you in the morning," I said quietly.

"Bye," he said. "Fade."

"Bye," I replied. "Rookwood," I giggled.

He smiled at me and went back to his room.

"_Oh my God!_" I mouthed soundlessly and ran my fingers through my hair.

"I heard that!" Augustus said from behind the door. I laughed. I felt like I couldn't just go to my room and think. I crossed the atrium and made my way to the Death Eater common room. The fire usually crackling in the sizable fireplace was out and the common room was unusually dark.

"Sara," said a voice. "I have been expecting you."

Suddenly, the logs in the fireplace burst into flame, illuminating Bellatrix Lestrange's face. I was left feeling very wrong-footed. She was sitting in a high-backed armchair, looking very creepy.

"Cool! I've always wanted to do that!" she said happily, jumping up from the chair.

"Er…OK…" I said. I dare not admit that I've done that several times before!

"So," Bella said, dragging me into a chair. "How did your heathenish date go?"

For my own safety, I thought it appropriate to lie.

"Meh…" I said, pulling a face.

"I see what you mean," the young witch said wisely. "I wouldn't want _him _all over me!"

My features hardened and I was left with a very alienated smile.

"I mean, the way that guy just leaves a bad taste in your mouth, you know?" Bellatrix continued.

My tongue traced the inside of my mouth.

"Mhm," I said stiffly.

"And I hate people who _cannot_ give you a straight answer!"

"It's annoying, isn't it?" I said, glaring at her.

"Does Rodolphus love me?" she scoffed. "Um, the answer is yes," she explained. And suddenly, _I'm_ hypocritical?

"I'll talk to you in the morning, Bella," I said and left. I materialised in my room with a crack. _Now_ I felt like thinking. My first date with The Rookwood was so… alike with my first meeting with him.

Christmas flashback

I laughed at Narcissa's joke about Alecto and her undying belief in Santa. Augustus, Antonin and Evan approached Narcissa, Bella and me.

"Ho, ho, ho," Augustus said, nodding to each of us in turn.

"Pimp, pimp, pimp," I replied, nodding to each of _them_ in turn.

Flashback ends

OK, maybe they weren't _that_ alike. I didn't kick him in the nuts this time.

Far from it…


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Any resemblance to actual characters would be really cool.**

* * *

"Oh … my … GAWD!" 

A full summary of my thoughts that night.

"OMG WTF DO I DO?"

A _short_ summary of my thoughts the next morning.

As usual, I went upstairs to breakfast for some coffee. I went early in hopes of meeting Augustus there. A sharp movement caught the corner of my eye. Augustus had just flicked his head back from outside his room. For a second, I forgot we were officially dating and didn't dare go to him and snog his face off. He grinned and started walking towards me. I walked at him quicker because one, I couldn't resist and two, we had a smaller chance of getting caught in a corridor.

"Hi, Sa -" he managed to smirk before receiving a mouthful of my saliva. It was a miracle his mouth was not yet a mess of flesh-coloured ribbons after I pulled away.

"Hi," I said finally. I was still beaming, just like I was all night. We walked in the direction of the Death Eater common room for breakfast. I just noticed what was going on below Augustus's neck. He was going for the 'I just rolled out of bed and I'm sexy' look, and he accomplished it. His shirt was untucked and hanging loose, and his sleeves were messily rolled up above his elbows. Two buttons were undone from his shirt and his clothes in general were a bit furrowed, but all of this just added to my temptation.

Someone left the doors to the common room half-closed. Augustus pushed them open and let me in first.

"THERE THEY ARE!"

"IS IT TRUE?"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"

Death Eaters surrounded us and I seriously considered taking my wand out. Augustus and I faced them back-to-back.

"Good morning to you as well, guys!" Augustus said loudly.

"Breathe, breathe!" I said. "One by one! Nott, go!"

"You're dating?" Nott said. I paused.

"I don't like this question. Mulciber?" I said quickly.

"You're dating?" Mulciber echoed.

I gave Augustus a small nudge.

"No," he said simply.

"No," I repeated.

"Liars!" someone spat.

"Which one of us are you referring to?" someone else said.

"This is not something to be tossed aside lightly," Narcissa scolded.

"Correct. It should be thrown aside with great force," I replied.

Augustus laughed.

"_There!_ Living proof!" someone shouted.

"Indeed, the laugh," Augustus began, clutching his heart, "A clear sign that two people are dating. Make way, I want coffee!"

"Me too," I said without thinking and turned away.

Approximately thirty wolf-whistles reached my ears. I wheeled around and gave them the finger. The Death Eaters shrugged and stuffed their groaning guts. I joined Augustus.

"Exactly how long are we keeping up appearances?" I murmured out of a corner of my mouth. Augustus faced me and looked at me up and down.

"_You_ don't need to," he said, smiling.

I felt my cheeks grow warm.

"Seriously, how long?" I said in spite of myself.

Augustus shrugged.

"As long as we want," he said.

"Might be fun," I agreed. I didn't bother to add sugar to my coffee and reluctantly joined Bella at the table. She looked at me glaringly as I walked.

"You really like him, don't you?" she said suspiciously.

"As if life isn't short enough," I glared back.

"You're immortal," she pointed out. I made a face, exhaled and changed the subject (to some degree).

"If black coffee doesn't get that taste out of my mouth, what will?" I said and took a gulp of the bitter coffee, not realising what I just said.

Bella gasped.

"_You made out!_" she screeched, her voice so mercifully high that I doubt many people heard.

"_It's a metaphor!_" I said quickly. "Like you said last night!"

"Oh," Bellatrix said. She did something very strange. She started sniffing me.

"Bella, I think I've suffered all the rumours I can take!" I said.

"You smell like cologne!" she said. I was stupid enough to wear the same robes!

"I lost a bet and now Wilkes is doing my laundry for a month," I lied.

"I might've believed you when you said it was Alecto that was blackmailing me, but Wilkes doing laundry with _cologne?_" she said. "Oh, wait, that makes sense…"

Uh, remember when I said 'not _many_ people heard'? Some did…

"YOU MADE OUT?" half the common room shouted.

"_It's lies, all lies! You'll see! You'll ALL see!_" I said very loudly. The common room froze for a second and stared at me. Exactly four seconds later, I wildly flailed an arm around.

"Let's pull her hair until she confesses!" someone else shouted.

"Yeah!" said the other Death Eaters.

"You know, for Death Eaters, how you can be so immature is beyond me!" I said honestly.

"You have the ripeness capacity of a fourteen-year-old!" Bellatrix said, more honestly still. "And so does he," she added, gesturing to Augustus. Unwisely, I stared at him. His eyes widened as everyone else turned around to stare at him too.

"Well, despite the yummy food and tangible tension, I have to go," he said. He swept out. I pointed at the door.

"I hate him," I said.

"Whatever, you made out."

"Who told you this anyway?" I said, though I probably knew the answer already. The Death Eaters all pointed at Bella.

"Bella's lying. Bella's crazy," I said. I walked past her.

"_Bella's dead!_" I hissed in her ear.

I went outside the common room and, making sure no one was around, I crept over to Augustus's room. I knocked.

"It's me," I said lazily.

"Mum?" said Augustus's voice. I cleared my throat pointedly. He opened the door and leant against the frame.

"You hate me, don't you?" he asked.

"Cordially," I said. He smiled and kissed me.

"Wait," I said. "There's a corridor downstairs."

"Closer than here?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

"Everyone's in the common room. Come on."

OxoXoxO

"I need volunteers!" Bella said loudly. "Actually, I was just being polite. You're all in! I need _spies!_"

Mrs. Lestrange started pacing in front of her fellow Death Eaters.

"Rookwood and Fade are lying! If they won't confess, we'll catch them at it! Who's with me?"

"Question," someone said. "Why can't you let them be?"

Everyone gasped and turned around. Antonin Dolohov, Augustus's best friend, was standing in the doorway.

"Traitor!" Bella hissed. Antonin smiled coolly.

"_I_, unlike you, have been on a mission, doing something useful. _You_ have been obsessing over the fact that our friends might be getting married or something," he said. It was a well known fact that he, Bella and I were fighting over the Death Eater of the Year award for as long as anyone can remember. But Bella and I were best friends, I was on OK terms with Dolohov, and she and Antonin were certainly not the friendliest of comrades.

"Sir," said she, her nostrils flaring, "if you were _my_ husband, I'd poison your coffee."

"Madam," he replied with a fake bow, "if I were married to you, I'd drink it."

Bellatrix looked like she was about to throw something.

"Unfortunately, you're not," Rodolphus said putting his hands defensively on Bella's shoulders.

"Believe me," Bella glared.

"How about a cocktail party tonight?" Rodolphus piped up.

"Sure. I'm in the mood for a hangover," Bella said. "Seriously."

"That way, we'll get rid of all the alcohol we have left from the Christmas party," Antonin said, scratching his chin.

"I'll um… let Sara and Augustus know," Bella said slowly and edged towards the door. Antonin's dark blue eyes followed her steadily.

"_You three, second floor, both of you, third floor, Rodolphus, come with me, everyone else spread out!_" she screamed and ran out. Antonin didn't move anything except his eyes in the mayhem. He waited until he could hear them no longer. He sighed and sat down with a mugful of coffee.

"Children," he scoffed.

OxoXoxO

"So this is what Augustus's hand feels like… on my waist," I thought. The dead end corridor in the lowest level was the perfect place to make out. It was secluded, but sadly, it was popular.

"And _this_ is what his hand feels like on my -"

"Sara!"

Bella was thundering down the stairs around the corner.

"Aw, crap," I said. I tried to Disapparate, but someone put a charm on this place. There were no means of escape. Luckily, Augustus was _much_ more creative. He took his wand out and pinned me against the wall. He held his wand pointed at my heart. Bella came around the bend.

"What's going on?" she said.

"She won't give me -"

I used Legilimency.

"Her underwear," he thought.

"My five Galleons," he said. Bella looked at us kinda weird for a second.

"Give him back his five Galleons," she said slowly. I extracted my own money and handed it to him. He pocketed his wand and the gold. Rodolphus skidded to a halt beside Bella.

"_Aha!_" he said, catching sight of us. "Caught in the act!" he panted triumphantly. "And I am… seeing spots…"

He hung on to Bella for dear life.

"False alarm, false alarm," she murmured in his ear. She turned to us. "Anyway, we're having a cocktail party tonight."

"OK," Augustus and I said.

"We'll see you kids then," Rodolphus said.

"Bye," Augustus said. "_Aunt Bella_."

"Bye,_ Uncle Roddy_," I said.

The Lestranges grimaced and left.

"I'm keeping these, by the way," Augustus said, patting his pocket. My money jingled merrily. I raised my eyebrow characteristically. He smiled defiantly and raised his own eyebrow.

"I think not," I said.

I put my hand in his pocket.

"Woah! Isn't it a little too soon?" Augustus said. I playfully nipped at his nose and transferred the gold back to my pocket. Without warning, I wheeled around and went after Rodolphus and Bella.

"No, wait, I didn't mean it!" he called after me. I laughed.

OxoXoxO

I didn't leave the safety of my room, what with Bellatrix prowling around Woodsmanor all afternoon. The demented woman didn't stop there. She stalked me that night at the cocktail party as well. I don't get it! What's the big deal? All I did was Apparate out of my room…

I appeared outside the common room in the atrium, dressed for the party. Antonin came out of his room from a corridor nearby, checking his robes for lint.

"Hi, Sara," he said. "Have you seen Augustus?"

"I'm not seeing Augustus!" I said quickly. He gave me a weird look. I looked away quickly, sensing my cheeks burn red. I cleared my throat awkwardly.

"Herm… See you later, Dolohov," I said and left before the heat radiating from my cheeks could melt his bemused features.

"Sara!" Bella's voice said the second I set foot in the common room. It was double, maybe triple it's usual size. Plenty of places for me to flee to. Plenty of places to hide…

"Come, join me, dear friend," she said jovially, walking somewhat ominously at me.

"What do you want?" I said at once. Bellatrix laughed airily.

"You're being _weird_ again!" I said.

"No, I'm not, I'm being perfectly normal," she responded.

"That's what I meant."

"Sara, Sara," she said, already dragging me over to a table. "You know the only unofficial rule with the cocktail parties. You can't do it the same way twice!"

"Ain't that the goddamn truth…" I muttered. Last year was just… Gah! _That_ had better not be happening again!

Ah, but this year was about to get much better…

Augustus sauntered through the door. I paid no attention and sipped my martini.

"I KNEW IT!" Bella said victoriously.

"What?" I said innocently.

"You ignored him! You _SO_ like him!"

"Bella, I could be killing him and you'd still think I'm doing it because I like him!"

"He really kisses that bad, huh?" she said slyly. I felt myself go purple. I wanted to get away from her taunts.

"_Rodolphus is naked!_" I said suddenly.

"_WHERE?_" Bella screamed, turning around frenziedly. I slipped away, wanting to go to Augustus, but then I remembered us dating was supposed to be a secret. Through a series of facial expressions, I told him to come to the bathroom. There was one adjacent to the common room. I hung around for what seemed like forever. Since this bathroom was right next to the common room, we all thought it appropriate to make cubicles and the like. I locked myself in one and waited some more. I opened the door and sighed.

"Upset stomach?" came a voice from the shadows.

"BAH!" I yelped when I saw Bella. She smirked as I panted slightly.

"Hell is filled," I hissed, "with people like you."

"Must be cool," she shrugged. We walked back into the common room. Bella took her ironically much-too-formal glass of champagne she was drinking earlier. I went to the freshly conjured bar and poured myself three shots of pure vodka. I gulped down my second shot-glass and the blurry form of Augustus joined me and Bella.

"You were in the bathroom for a long time," he said, smirking broadly.

"I know!" I said, glaring unfocusedly at him.

"Had the whiskey?" he said wisely. I could distinctly see an evil glint in his eyes. Behind me, Evan Rosier spit out his drink with violent force upon hearing this.

"No, but your friend has," I said, pointing over his shoulder.

"What the - NO, NOT IN _MY_ DRINK!" he said. He rushed over to Antonin. I turned back to Bella, still laughing heartily.

"You're all sheep," she said with narrowed eyes. I glared at her.

Meanwhile…

"Why didn't you warn me?" Antonin said, wiping his mouth.

"I thought you of all people knew me," Augustus said innocently (by his standards).

"Was this your 'new thing' for tonight?" Antonin said. Augustus grinned.

"Something else," he said deviously and looked into the distance. Antonin looked cautiously at the other drinks on the table next to them. Augustus saw this, rolled his eyes and took a white wine spritzer.

"I trust you heard _the_ rumour?" he said.

"From Bellatrix, no less," Antonin sneered.

"It's true," Augustus said quietly. Antonin choked on his margarita and sprayed it everywhere.

"Bad whiskey?" Rosier said, wrapped his arm around his wife and left.

"Maybe it'd be best if you didn't drink anything for now," Augustus said, taking the glass out of Antonin's hand. Antonin stared at him.

"OK, OK, you can have it," Augustus said quickly. He cleared his throat and Antonin came out of his trance.

"That's her," Augustus said and snaped his fingers in Antonin's face. He gestured towards me with his glass. Antonin nodded in approval.

"_Nice_," he said.

"Dude! That's my girlfriend!" Augustus hissed.

"Right, so by saying 'nice', I'm practically _licking_ her," Antonin joked.

"Animal," Augustus muttered, just quietly enough so Antonin didn't hear him. Antonin reached for a glass on the table and took a sip… only to realize it was the whiskey. He spit it out quickly.

"For the love of god, Rookwood!"

OxoXoxO

About an hour later, after about six people got diarrhoea, we ended the cocktail party. Bella still clung to my side. The woman was ruthless. No amount of weird looks seemed to be enough for me. Or indeed for her. If I tried to Disapparate, she'd come with me. Only one thing could get rid of her…

"Ooh, is Rodolphus taking off his jacket?" I said.

"Later!" Bella said and sprinted to her husband. I rolled my eyes.

"Pssst, Sara!"

Augustus waved me over from outside his room. I slipped through the mass of oblivious drunk Death Eaters and joined him. Antonin was there too.

"Antonin knows about us," Augustus said.

"You mean how we're enemies and nothing more?" I said, giving him a not-so-concealed sneer.

"No. He _knows_."

I gritted my teeth.

"I am torn," I said, "between my integrity and my desire to merely _flay you both alive_."

Both men winced.

"I can keep a secret!" Antonin said.

"Quick, what does Gibbon keep under his bed?"

Dolohov's mouth twitched.

"Oh, no, no. I'm not going to tell you because _I_ can keep secrets," Antonin said.

"Tell me later?" Augustus whispered.

"You already know," Antonin whispered back.

"Alright," I said slowly and looked at them in turn. "I'll talk to you girls in the morning."

I left. Augustus and Antonin looked at each other.

"Cute girlfriend, mate," Antonin said, gave Augustus a light punch on his arm and went to his room.

* * *

**Author's note:** This chapter is dedicated to my unofficially adopted communistic big sister Stalinia for her birthday which was actually two days ago. I wish you (sufficient enough) health and (moderate) happiness, big sis!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Any resemblance to actual characters would be really cool. **

* * *

We Death Eaters seemed more determined to consume all the alcohol than we thought. Scores of people that could only be described as 'pure ultimate evil'…

… had hangovers and slept soundly until noon. All of them came to the common room at the same time. Half of them were still in their pyjamas.

"Good morning sleepyheads!" I said loudly from my favourite armchair. "Beautiful day isn't it?"

"Mmmf… We'll let you know when we can tell the difference…" Augustus said groggily. The Death Eaters muttered in agreement. They queued for a decent cup of coffee and some breakfast.

"What happened to all the ketchup?" yawned Rabastan.

"Oh yeah, we had to set up a separate table for Jugson," said Bella. "Lucky bastard. All _he_ had was ketchup. _We_ had to drink Rookwood's whiskey."

Augustus chuckled sleepily.

"You laugh now!" Bella said. "Wait till you hear what I did to the margaritas!"

"I didn't have any margaritas. Antonin did," Augustus said.

"Oh shit!" Antonin said and ran out to find a decent place to throw up.

"Exactly!" Bella called after him. "Just as well," she shrugged.

"Speaking of diarrhoeal senses of humour," I said, "what _did_ you do to the whiskey?" I asked Augustus.

"I spiked the mead last year! I needed something new!"

"What did you spike the mead with?" I said curiously.

"Helium. Duh!" said Augustus.

"The year before?"

"Nothing."

"What?" everyone said.

"I didn't spike any drinks!" he said. "I _did_, however, spike the treacle tart on Christmas…"

"With?" I prompted him to go on.

Augustus flushed.

"I couldn't find a decent spell so I -"

Ironic how I used the word 'flushed', huh?

"Before you fill my head with any more unpleasant images," I said at once, "I'll go for a walk in the woods. It snowed last night," I smiled.

"Deep down in our depraved nature lurks the love of beauty," Bella said, her lip trembling in fake affection.

I glanced pointedly at Rodolphus and back at Bella. She went red. I got my coat from my room and went outside. I walked to Middlewood, taking a path through the woods. I was just coming out from the other side when someone panted to my side from behind me. Two hands covered my eyes.

"Guess who!"

I audibly sniffed the cold January air.

"Whiskey… I wonder!"

I turned around. Augustus grinned at me and kissed me.

"Care to join me?" I said. Augustus put his arm around me and we walked down the slope to Muggle Middlewood. We didn't talk much and just kept smiling as we strolled through the eight-inch deep snow. Middlewood's children made snowmen already. One yard had a snowman with an old broomstick and a hat. Another had a snowman with a pretty blue hat and a matching scarf. A third yard had two snowmen - a big one made of three large snowballs and a smaller one made of two. As we went back up the hill, we saw more cute snowmen, all smiling broadly at us. We reached Woodsmanor's grounds and surveyed the snowmen there. Multiple heads, gaping mouths, teeth made of carved carrots and misshapen branches for arms.

"You can always tell when you come to _our_ place…" I said.

"I'll go in first," Augustus said. He kissed my forehead lightly and rushed off before I could get his lips. I kicked the snow moodily. The overuse of magic in this area made the same gust of snow hit me back. I made a snowball and threw it at the ground. Some snow blew upwards and went into my eyes. I got angry. I took my wand out.

"_Incendio!_" I said with a maniacal glint in my eyes. The snow around me instantly melted.

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed. Snape happened to arrive at that moment.

"If that's what you practice on, I don't have much to worry about," he said. I sneered. I pointed my wand at him.

"_Glacius!_" I said. Nothing happened. Snape raised his eyebrow. He sniffed from the cold. Then he made a very strange face.

"Don't you hate it when your bogeys freeze?" I grinned evilly.

A dozen Death Eaters came outside, Fenrir Greyback being at the front.

"Paul Gauguin once said 'Whence do we come from? What are we? Where are we going?'," Greyback said. "_We_ came from the common room, we're ruthless Death Eaters, and we're going to bring these snowmen to life!"

I laughed. Snape trudged up the slope towards Woodsmanor.

"Marry him," he said as he walked past me.

"Make it to second base," I retorted. We exchanged sneers and went our separate ways. I joined the other Death Eaters who were tampering with the mutant snowmen. Karkaroff was tying a blindfold over the only single-headed snowman's eyes.

"We need another blindfold for its third eye," he said.

"Easy," Nott said and tore off a strip of cloth from Karkaroff's hood. They started bickering while Greyback tied the second blindfold around the snowman's eye. He made a snowball and placed it on the snowman's head.

"Target practice?" I said. Greyback nodded.

"Avery, do it -"

He was interrupted by a roll of thunder… that seemed to come form the top floor of Woodsmanor. A Death Eater was sending sparks down for effect. I gave the Death Eater the thumbs-up. Avery chanted an incantation and the mutant started groaning and writhing. It took a few steps forward and let out a deafening roar. Greyback roared back and silenced it. He told it to stay still. The snowman let out a whining noise and nodded. Goyle was first. He packed some snow together and hurled it at the snowman and missed.

"Well, of course I missed! It flinched!" he said. More people attempted and kept missing. Finally, Augustus came back out with an icicle. He walked boldly up to the incarnated blindfolded snowman and held the icicle an inch away from one of its buttons. It took a step backwards.

"It can see through the buttons!" he announced.

"Alright, who made these?" Greyback asked and gestured to the dozen snowmen.

"Excuse us for not thinking we'd bring them to life!" Galem said.

"You could've used regular eyeballs, but no, you had to use _coals_ for eyes _and_ buttons!" Greyback said.

"Sorry, we were being normal!" Galem snapped. The two men started arguing. They were so loud, I couldn't hear myself thinking.

"_Avada Kedavra!_" I shouted. Galem fell down limply. Everyone stared at us.

"Galem, get up! I killed the snowman!" I snapped.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Galem said, getting up at once. There was a big hole punched through the snowman's stomach.

"My one love…" Galem said.

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Augustus coughed. Galem stood up and grabbed Augustus by the scruff of his neck.

"Hey, hey, hey! Sara's the one who murdered your true love!" he said. "And I got something fun we can do…" he added mischievously, glancing at me. The twelve other men looked at me in unison, guessing each others' thoughts.

One minute later…

"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, ROOKWOOD!" I yelled. I couldn't see a thing through the blindfold, but I'm willing to bet I was slung over Augustus's shoulder. He set me down and tied me to a tree.

"Just you wait until I get free!" I said and I felt a snowball poised on my head.

"Uh huh. Which is why I'm not letting you go," he said casually. "Who's first?"

"_ME!_" Galem bellowed. Within seconds, a snowball shattered inches above my head. I think each Death Eater got one shot, and Galem got two. Only six snowballs actually hit me, and not one hit the snowball on my head. I suppose they did that on purpose.

"End of the world!" I chanted. "Apocalypse! Day of Reckoning! Ragnarok!"

"Which is ironic, because legend has it that _Fenrir_ breaks free and kills Odin…" someone said.

"To be avenged by Vidar!" I shouted.

I kept yelling stuff.

"Say it, don't spray it!" Augustus's voice scoffed and I came free. He took off my blindfold and the first thing I saw was his about-to-die-but-still-happy grin. I glared at him for a moment.

Ten seconds later…

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" a deeply regretful Rookwood shouted.

"So we gathered!" someone screamed back. Augustus tripped and fell in the snow. I stood menacingly over him.

"Stop!" he panted. "I'm down! It's against the rules to attack me!"

"You forget rules are only for the nice little people," I sneered and pelted him with snowballs.

"You can't deny she has a point," Avery nodded.

"It's really a shame that thirteen…"

I paused and looked at the Death Eaters.

"... _men_ cannot defeat one girl."

"Call us 'men', eh?" Amycus said dangerously. "Oh… Right…" he said after a second.

"Woah, woah,_ young lady!_" saidGreyback . "We _did_ beat you a minute ago!"

"You personally, Greyback? Or were you just watching from the sidelines?" I jeered. Galem, who was anything but a fan of the werewolf, laughed hysterically. Greyback laughed along, glaring pointedly at the hulking mass that was Galem. Galem fell silent and looked at Fenrir reproachfully. Greyback turned back to me.

"I wasn't, but you were when I was -"

"When you were? Stuck in the werewolf pit in the back yard? The Iron Maiden in Nott's room? When you got your shirt stuck in your zipper?" I smirked. Greyback sneered.

"Ugh, sober up!" he snarled and turned away.

"I've been saying that to you lot all my life," I said. "But of course, then I'd have no reason to get credit for babysitting you guys."

Greyback froze and his hands made fists. The Death Eaters made 'Oooh' noises as he turned around.

* * *

**Author's note:** This most childish of chapters is dedicated with love to my other unofficialy adopted big sister Rachel. I wish you health and happiness and maybe a date with that long-haired dude you like so much.


End file.
